Finished and delivered nightmare deathmarch job at 3.30 am. Collapsed into bed. Woke up to find late answers to queries about job, amended and sent. I have two more jobs lined up between here and next Monday, probably 3 days' work between them, but I've declared myself fully booked-up for the purposes of any other jobs in the same timeframe, just because I need the space.

It's a beautiful day and so I went out for a little walk. Came back with a large amount of garlic from the Korean shop (why didn't I guess that it would be the place to find good, cheap garlic?) and two packs of frozen dumplings (guozi) (they were on sale...) (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).

Pan-fried some kimchi dumplings (that's the evil cooking method; the health-conscious method is steaming) and ate them with sweet chilli sauce. Now considering what to do with the rest of the day. I'm sure it's going to include napping.

...and I think I've just run out of parentheses for the day.

Spent last week working lots.

Spent the weekend at a choir workshop in a posh hotel (which probably does most of its business from, er, business people and so it's happy to give people a good deal on weekends) (City North Hotel -- I can definitely recommend the food there, both bar and restaurant, nice spacious rooms and good service). This was fun but exhausting, both for the actual workshop activity (music and voice technique) and because being with people all the time is tiring for me, though I do like these people. Oh, and I didn't sleep much the two nights I spent there, partly through being in the pub half the night and partly who knows, being in a strange bed? It was a confortable strange bed, and not noisy, so I don't know.)

Now I'm back to working lots, specifically on a job that turned out to be a lot slower than average (pretty much every word needs to be researched because it's all movie titles, works of art and stuff...)

I was still uncertain whether to poke my nose into Octocon next weekend, but this morning I find news of Octocon-related fandom infighting all over my flist, and frankly, even leaving entirely aside the merit of the issue, Irish fandom is too small for a feud (by which obviously I mean "too small to afford it", not "too small to have one"), and I'm almost pathologically confrontation-averse, so it really doesn't look like I would enjoy the atmosphere at the con, so decision made. Ah well, I might have to work through the weekend anyway...

Just back from shopping, with 12 assorted packs of different pasta shapes (each is 1/2 kg).

Also 3 cans of borlotti, 1 box of Ciobar (for making Italian-style hot chocolate), 2 jars of Italian pickles, and toilet paper. Well, Italians have to poop, too.

I've been to the big Italian shop in Smithfield, which is a half-hour walk each way, so I don't go very often, and when I do go, I bring the granny cart and stock up... (I could take the Luas, but that would be cheating).

My kitchen is peculiarly stocked with Italian, Chinese and Indian staples. You'd think a multicultural bunch of roommates lived here... nope, they all only live inside my head :-)

I haven't vanished inside a hole in the ground. I have simply vanished inside a pile of work.

This is (a) good, since the start of the year was a bit of a desert, work-wise; and (b) kind of expected, July and August being usually the busiest time of the year for me (because all other Italian translators are on holiday, being Italians...)

However, it also means that I barely have time to blow my nose, and so I'm falling behind with everything else, from following LiveJournal to keeping the house in a reasonable state. Never mind actually writing on LJ.

Other than work, there really isn't much going on. And my brain is still in a blank state that I'm getting more worried about the longer it goes on.

Scaling down the Prozac doesn't seem to be helping -- I'm now at 1/3 the regular dose and I haven't noticed any real improvement, while on the other hand for the past several mornings I've noticed a slight case of morning anxiety. Totally bearable and short duration, it's over by the time I get out of bed, but if it continues I'll have to reconsider scaling down further.

So now my theory is that this is actually a manifestation of depression. Complete lack of interest/enthusiasm for pretty much anything. The trick is that it is completely bearable (nothing like "serious depression"): I'm "ok", but it means I just waste my life completely, and while there is no despair or great sadness, there is no joy either. Also very little empathy, which feels really weird. It's like I've become the perfect cynic, and I really don't like it.

Because for the past several years I've concentrated on avoiding/overcoming the more "active" kind of depression, I've no idea now how to handle this. (And of course, having a response of "why bother/too much work/not worth it" to any thought or idea doesn't help.) I guess I'll start by just looking at it in the light of this new theory, and seeing if this gives me a handle on the problem and if at all possible on some solution.

Compared to "active" depression, it's much less unpleasant, and it also allows me to function well enough in terms of doing paid work and generally looking after my immediate survival needs. So it's no reason for anyone to worry. Except me, because I don't think "immediate survival" is all I want to do with my life, really.

10 am on a Sunday is not an appropriate time to go shopping, even if you're only planning to go to Asian food shops. And you should already have known this. And checked the time before going out.

(The Chinese shop opens at 10.30. The Korean shop now only opens at 4pm on Sundays.)

The journey was fine, no trouble whatsoever. Nevertheless, I am wrecked. I'm going to bed early, hoping to be slightly more together tomorrow.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Anyway:

I'm in Milan, things are ok. My father, as it turned out, came out of the hospital quite soon, and things weren't quite as bad as they had sounded for a while (meaning first of all that he doesn't seem to have lost one kidney to an overlong procedure after all, and secondly that he didn't have to spend ages in the hospital as I thought). He's had a couple of exams since leaving hospital and they're basically ok, will have more different exams no doubt and we hope they'll be ok too. Only, he lost a few more kilos in the process and still finds it very hard to eat, so he's not gaining them (he's also always been on the thin side, and not inclined to put on weight, unlike the women in the family); his mood isn't great, but he manages.

I'm likely to be here another week, not booked a flight yet: just because since I'm here, I might as well stay for a while. I've successfully managed to work at a reasonable rate, so that's not really a worry. Going to see a few friends tonight (2 from secondary school, and partners, one just married -- after a long cohabitation -- and one as yet unmarriable). I also bought a handbag in Via Torino, which makes me feel strange :-)

I'm flying out to Italy on Friday[1], so today I went to do the necessary shopping. And of course ended up doing some unnecessary shopping too, but hey :-)

Chemist, check. That was part of the "necessary". Turns out that my prescription was inexplicably dated "Nov 2005", luckily the chemist didn't make trouble about it (though he pointed it out). I know my GP isn't very computer-fluent, this seems peculiar though...

Then Penneys. Necessary: a pair of summer-type shoes. Ended up with: the above shoes, a light but long shirt (which I had wanted for a while), a wifebeater (I wish I had another name for it, in Italian it's called "rower's shirt"), a sparkly white scarf, 6 pairs of black socks. For a total of 33 Euro. Which is more than I normally spend in one go, and probably less than I would have spent on any one of those items in Milan (except possibly the socks).

As I came down the escalator to the lower floor (shoes and accessories), I saw two girls trying on headscarves. This is the first time I've seen this, I'm probably very provincial, or more likely I just don't go shopping for clothes much. Anyway, one of them was trying on the most stunning-looking hijab I've seen in a while, and they looked outgoing enough, so I told her :-) At which point I discovered that they were a much weirder phenomenon than I had thought at first: they sounded entirely French. Now, what the bleep are two young French women doing shopping for clothes in Dublin, and in Penneys of all places? I'm still reeling :-) (Oh, and I bought a scarf like the one she was wearing. Doesn't look as stunning on me, and I'm unlikely to wear it as hijab anyway, but it's still a very nice scarf.)

Then the bag shop, for a laptop bag which I'd seen yesterday, but today I had the laptop measurements to make sure it would fit. It looks almost exactly like the so-called handbag I use normally (more like a soft briefcase really, with shoulder strap and a surprising capacity; also very handy as hand luggage), but it has a padded laptop compartment. This will make carrying the laptop on the plane a lot easier.

I think I'm done with shopping until the winter :-)

[1] Unplanned. My father is in hospital again, and it seems that he may be for a while, because what we thought was going to be a trivial procedure turned out not-so-trivial. He seems to be stable and recovering, I'm going mostly to be practical and moral support for my mother while he's in hospital. No idea how long I'm going to stay, I suppose at least until they let him out.

From an Italian friend-of-a-friend:

"..Ops! Mio Dio, quando ti pregavo di far scomparire quel pedofilo truccato liftato mentalmente disturbato e di colore indefinibile non intendevo Michael Jackson....."

("...Whoops! Dear God, when I prayed that you smite that face-lifted, over-made-up, mentally disturbed pedofile of an indefinite colour, I didn't mean Michael Jackson...")

(Hint: the person in question is an important Italian political personality, and all-around international clown.)

So, this morning I went to vote.

As an Italian citizen with Irish residence, I get to choose whether to vote on Italian or on Irish lists for European elections. This time I chose to vote on the Irish lists, for 2 reasons: (1) there's a small chance to get a Socialist in, which is a lot better than the alternatives; and (2) for Italy, I would not have anyone to vote positively for; I would have voted against Berlusconi, but I trust that most Italians abroad will do that anyway...

So I got to the polling station and I was surprised to find that there was also a local election. Now, I knew there was a by-election for a Dáil seat in my constituency, but I don't get to vote for the Dáil (Parliament). I hadn't realised there was also a local election, where I'm entitled to vote. So, in the local election, I voted for the African guy. I hope he's a nice guy, because I don't know him, but I thought that given the number of non-European people who live around here, it can't be bad to have at least one in the local administration. And then I gave my other preferences to the most left-wing people I could identify.

Then I finally got around to posting the Tortagel to annafdd, who must have lost all hope by now. Well, I hope it doesn't get rained on too much, otherwise the post office is going to find themselves in possession of a suspicious envelope full of jelly-like stuff, and the bomb disposal squad probably wouldn't be amused by having to deal with baking supplies...

However, I failed at lodging a cheque. It says that it can only be paid in the UK. The client who sent it must have been sleeping. I'll have to check with my branch of the bank (I was in a different branch this morning), but probably I'll have to get back to the client and ask to be paid some other way -- like, some way where I can actually get the money.

Also failed in taking a nice long walk, which was part of the plan. What happened is that the weather, which had been unbelievably glorious for the past few days, turned grey, and it looked like it might rain by the time I made it to the polling station and back (about 1/2 hour each way, I'd guess). So I got lazy and took the Luas instead.

But still: I got out of the house and got a couple of things done. This is an achievement compared to the past week (though I have been working, which is something). I hope I can keep it up now.

Back in Dublin and to a temperature which is 15ºC lower than in Milan. Rather tired. Will eat some food and collapse.

(I wrote this while in Moneglia, in different stages, and I'm posting it now that I have a connection again)

[Sunday, 7pm]

Moneglia is still a very nice place.

There are lots of very chatty blackbirds, funny to hear them sing so much in the middle of the day (in Dublin they only seem to get enthusiastic around sunset). There are also many pretty wagtails, and they're called ballerine.

Swallows are another kind of bird I don't see in Dublin. There are lots here (and in Milan), and I'd forgotten how loud they can be.

There is an enormous quantity of tadpoles in the stream (no legs yet). I wonder if anyone has ever thought of making a fry out of them. I used to catch them as a kid, but it was for the purpose of growing them.

The wisteria is past flowering, which is a pity, but the bougainvillea is in flower now. Focaccia with cheese is extremely yummy. The temperature is probably what humans were evolved for. On the whole, life is good.

[Sunday, 11pm]

There are also frogs, and crickets. Both are noises I haven't heard in a while. In fact, I don't remember when I last heard a frog.

There are a few stars visible, but not many. I hope tomorrow the weather is good. I might even get to dip into the sea -- something else that I haven't done in a very long time.

[Monday, 8pm]

This morning I actually swam in the sea! I literally don't remember the last time I'd done so, but it's certainly been years. The sea was very calm and clear, the sun quite hot, and the water... well, I don't know, my parents thought it was too cold, I took a while to get in but once in the water it was nice enough. Maybe I've just become too Irish...

In fact, that looks likely. I seem to have acquired an Irish complexion, anyway. I managed to get sunburned (shoulders and ankles) by sitting in the sun for about 2 hours. This didn't used to happen when I lived here...

Moneglia appears to be full of turtledoves -- I don't remember so many of them when I came here regularly. I've also discovered that they don't only have the ceaseless, pitiful hooting call they're most famous for: when in flight, they actually sound like crows (jackdaws in fact).

I also saw a couple of lizards -- an animal that I've never seen in Ireland, not sure if it exists anywhere.

[Tuesday, 23:50]

No bathing today, but I went to the beach in the morning and in the afternoon. I kept my shoulders well covered (as well as slathered with sunscreen). I waded into the water a bit, but the heat from my ankles tended to evaporate it...

I watched Forrest Gump on TV in the evening. It is a completely inane movie. Harmless, probably, but I really don't understand what anybody could see in it.

[Thursday, 15:30]

Back in Milan, in time to see on TV the stage of the Giro d'Italia which is happening where we were this morning. Sestri Levante, where today's race starts, is the next town on the coast from Moneglia (LOL they're showing and talking about Moneglia this minute on TV!) We had to take a roundabout way to reach the autostrada because usually we go through Sestri and today it was closed to traffic.

My shoulders are almost healed, I did spend some time on the beach again yesterday and the day before, but I kept them covered. Also didn't get into the water past my knees again.

I'm in Milan with my parents, things are going fine, but I'm rarely online and definitely behind on reading LJ.

It's very pleasantly warm (unlike Dublin). I'm wearing some clothes that tend to spend the whole year in the wardrobe when I'm in Ireland.

Unless the weather changes, tomorrow we'll go down to Moneglia (near the Cinque Terre / Portofino) for a few days -- and I'll be completely out of Internet reach for the duration.

Hope everybody is doing well :-)

I now own a suitcase. I must be middle aged.

...well, my mother seems to think so, anyway. In fact, every time she saw me travelling with my trusted rucksack she made some comment. This time, she phoned me a couple of days ago, and started with "Now that maybe you travel a bit more... and that you're not a little girl any more..." -- and went on to suggest I get myself a trundly suitcase, and they would pay for it.

In fact, for journeys like travelling to my parents', it is probably handier than the rucksack (short walk and bus journey at either end, and the rucksack needs to be brought to a special check-in at the airport). Anyway, I found one, and it's pretty huge, and it seems to work.

Said suitcase is now loaded and seems to weigh 14 kg, which is fine as it leaves me some safety margin in case the scales were lying (though they shouldn't lie by much since I did the double-weighing thing, where I stand on the scales first on my own, then with the suitcase, and subtract).

I have piled up the stuff that will go in my pockets and in my handbag. I still have to wash some dishes and do some more backups. Then I sleep (early, if I manage, which would be very good, because) then I get out of the house around 5 am to catch a bus to the airport, get a plane to Milan, get a bus to my parents' house and collapse for a day or so :-)

Oh, and this morning I took part in a Tridentine Mass. That is, I sang a Palestrina mass with the choir, while the priest and a small "schola" sang the rest of the mass in plainchant and in Latin. (The Epistle and the Gospel were in English, and so was the sermon; if there was an Old Testament reading I missed it). That took me by surprise as I knew we would be singing at a mass, but I was expecting standard Catholic :-) It was an interesting experience, anyway.

Half of my teeth are now very clean. Half of my mouth is very numb. This is an extremely weird experience.

My brain keeps doing creative dyslexia (I don't actually have dyslexia, except where numbers are concerned, but my brain often pretends I do when the results are more interesting than the correct reading.) On my way back from the dental hygienist visit, I saw a very big poster where a candidate for the upcoming European elections promises JOB CREMATION.

Yeah. (I also keep seeing vans from SHOPLIFTING firms.)

Today I sang with my choir at a Catholic Mass in a big, cathedral-like church (St Peter's in Phibsboro) -- which is quite satisfying from a singer's point of view.

I also got a chance to see the Liturgy of Teh Cute (possibly not the official name), a sort of "welcoming" ceremony for 5 babies who are going to be baptised next Sunday (actually, 4 babies and a girl who must have been 3 or 4). The parents stood on the altar with the babies and a number of older siblings, the priest blessed them and anointed the babies individually, asked the parents what names they'd chosen for their babies and if they wanted them to be Christians and then welcomed the babies to the Church. The cuteness level was quite high.

Also, not one but two of the babies were called Holly, which I thought was a very fine pagan name -- but the priest didn't seem to find anything wrong with it.

The priest had more of a theatrical streak than most Catholic priests I've seen, walking up and down the altar during the homily and making sweeping gestures, and on the whole looking like he'd been watching and learning from the Evangelical competition.

The singing went well, and I had fun. There was enough Cute in the front pews to keep me amused during the non-singing bits, so that wasn't so bad either.

P-Con was great fun and I didn't run away screaming at all at all. In fact, I even went to the Dead Dog in the Porter House on Monday -- though I could only stay for a while.

I got a bit of work, but not much -- I'm hoping that it's only a start :-)

I'm still without hot water, but I've been promised Intervention by a nice man who works for my landlord. Let's hope this doesn't take too long... Meanwhile, my hair is still ok though it's coming to where I would normally wash it; and luckily I've always had the habit of washing with cold water in the morning, so it's not too bad -- can't have a shower, which is a pity, but I can at least wash most bits :-)

My dad did a CAT scan this morning, he's going in for the last session of chemotherapy on Friday and the doctor should be able to tell him what the CAT found at that point. Keeping my fingers firmly crossed. (Even though it makes it rather hard to type.)

Heart surgery successfully performed. The computer is alive again!

...ok, off to P-Con now. I'll replace the case later.

Well, not as such. I switched it off. When I tried to switch it back on, nothing happened.

I assume it's the power supply, which had been making ominous noises for a while (as of a not-entirely-happy fan). Of course this happened after shop closing time. On the bright side, I have the exact specs and I know where to buy a replacement PSU within 5 minutes walk from here. Tomorrow. They open at 10.

This will mean skipping part of P-Con -- I'm now debating whether to go to the con first, get a full programme, and then decide what I can most painlessly skip, or whether to go to the shop first, come home, and then go to the con (home is on the way between shop and con). Well I have the whole evening to make up my mind...

What I really hope is that (a) my diagnosis is correct, and (b) I will actually be able to replace the PSU myself (never done it before, though I have swapped drives, changed simms and installed cards in the past). If that fails, I do have the number for a good computer repair service -- but that would mean waiting until Monday. Sigh.

(Now writing from the laptop, but it doesn't have everything that's on the currently-dead desktop...)

Meanwhile, cooking rice to be fried with egg and eaten with kimchi. Memo to self: in future, do not buy Junior Kimchi. It's bland. Yep: someone actually managed to produce bland kimchi. What is the world coming to, I ask?

Just back from some food shopping.

While previously I was feeling blank and uncreative, but not otherwise bad, now doing anything is an effort. Still not miserable as such, still mostly blank, but also apathetic and generally morose. I am back to reading a bit, but on the other hand I'm cooking less and eating more rubbish, my (mild) exercise schedule is rather forlorn and abandoned, and I'm not meditating much at all.

Well, I'll be going to P-Con VI at the weekend, and that's either going to shake me out of this headspace, or push me over the edge... Meeting people is always somewhat stressful, but it is also good, and I like the people I meet at P-Con. So it can go both ways -- though I suspect either way I'll need some decompression space afterwards.

Meanwhile, I'm getting almost no work, and that's certainly a big part of the reason for this bout of mild depression. I expect I could be pulled out very effectively if I got one or two big jobs. Well, let's hope. Meanwhile I am very reluctant to get out of the house during "office hours" in case I miss a job coming through while I'm out.

Bah. Surviving, anyway, and I've been much worse. Just not very pleasant.